Confrontation

No one likes confrontations. They are usually uncomfortable and usually include issues that are not in the top 10 list of fun things to talk about.

But sometimes they are necessary. (Boy doesn't that suck to hear, where is that magic wand that makes everything all okay again?)

It is important to learn how to handle confrontations. More times than not I know my confrontations, no matter the issue, turn into arguments. And that sucks.

When you avoid confrontation you rob other people of an opportunity to become aware that there is a problem and block any possibility of change. If you don't address issues they will keep on occurring and result in increasing frustration.

Today I have been reading on the internet and got these tips from various different places:

Choose the time and place carefully. Don't wait until you're upset and angry. Find a time when you won't be disturbed, in a neutral place, where you'll be able to talk things through calmly.

Think about exactly what you will say and how you will say it. Practice putting your points across. Think through what their likely responses will be and plan in advance how to respond positively.

Don't apologise for bringing the matter up. Be clear about what exactly is upsetting you. Give specific examples. Know what you would like them to do in response. Make sure that your request is reasonable.

Listen to their responses. If you need to change the way you do something, acknowledge that. Aim to come to an amicable agreement.

I know from past experience it is so hard to keep confrontations from turning into screaming matches. We feel we have a valid point and when we try and tell the other person they don't see it that way. Then we get frustrated and that frustration turns to anger then BOOM World War III. And as we all know that solves absolutely nothing. You both end up hurt and disgusted and turn your back on the other person.

Everyone has feelings and emotions that need to be met. And a big one of those is being able to say this is how I feel and have it be heard. You may not understand it totally, but I guarantee that if they can just say it out loud and have you acknowledge their feelings and thoughts, a lot of the time that is enough for them to feel better.

Some people are more prone to hear the other person's statement as an attack against them. And it could be or it may not be. But if you can say, I hear your thoughts and acknowledge your feelings, you will have handed them a gift they will always treasure. But you are thinking, that pissed me off. Maybe it did, but now is not the time to bring it up. Let the other person have their time. And at a later time say calmly and nicely, you know what you said the other day didn't sit well with me. And chances are they will remember you were very willing to let them talk and vent, so they probably will be more willing to let you do the same.

The point of it all is to keep it calm. Don't raise your voice, don't say mean things. If you feel you are getting to a point where you feel you are getting too angry to continue in a civilized manner, then ask for a time out. And make it mandatory that when a time out is asked for, it is given. Set a time limit, 10 minutes, 30 minutes, but don't let the whole issue slide too long. That will just cause more frustration and possibly the inability to discuss the issue calmly.

People have very tender souls, harsh and angry words can do major damage. There is enough in our world that wants to do major damage, so let's look at our fellow humans and agree to not do damage to them.

It isn't an easy thing to do, discuss things calmly, but if you write down your rules (written by each of you when both of you are happy and at ease with your relationship) and have them handy during your confrontations and you try each and every time to hold true to them; in time I feel confident that you will learn how to have good and helpful discussions that don't explode into World War III and do more harm than good.