Ummmmm

Well, how silly of me to think that everyday would get better. Last night and this morning was, sort of, a step backward. But then again maybe not. I was upset at my boyfriend by the time I got home because he backed out on something he said he would do. Not the first time. So I was quite upset.

But I think I did fairly well in controlling myself. He got all defensive and started talking about stuff that had nothing to do with my issue, which was when you say you are going to do something, you do it. That was my ONLY issue. He brought in so many other things that were not pertinent to this conversation. It ended up at an impasse, him in the living room and me in the bedroom.

What is so hard and depressing is that I am not asking too much of him, I know I'm not, that is the only thing, don't say you are going to do something if you aren't and if you say you will, do it. But anyway, the point of all this is that I can't let his depression and mood get me off my path. I was reading a House of Night book - a new vampire series, very good - and it had a Purification Prayer in it. (It amazes me where words of wisdom will come from.) In that prayer it said "Help me find compassion without empathy overwhelming". That is so true right here. I love my boyfriend so it is natural I want him happy and healthy. But he has to want the same for himself. I can't make him. So I can't let empathy for him overwhelm me and take me off in a tangent that wouldn't be beneficial for either of us.

I have to remain firm in my path. But since it is just my beginning and I am just starting to acquire the tools needed for my journey, it isn't unfeasible nor unreasonable to have these little detours pop up. But at least now I can recognize them as such. One more of those baby steps.

I now have at home many books on meditation. So I am going to go through them and pick out the points that really stand out to me. Read all the words, but as in all things not 100% of what is said will be workable for me. So I will pick and choose - wisely I hope - and incorporate those items into my life and my meditation.

I have been thinking of a purification ritual myself. Kind of a way to give myself a clean slate to start with. Get white sage and maybe lavender and read that prayer from the House of Night book. A clean slate is a good place to start. One thing about life, as long as we are living we can always 'start over' for lack of a better term. Maybe we can't rewind and erase what we'd like to, but we can look back at it as a way to help us from making those mistakes again.