Mind Reading

This is something that I know the majority of the people wish they could do. And if we could just think how much more easy life would be. We'd know who to avoid because their thoughts wouldn't be nice, even if they put of a nice facade, we'd know it for that. But we can't so today I am going to write about:

I can't fix it unless you tell me what it is.

So many of us are in relationships and we work hard to keep those relationships on a good path. But as we all know, no matter our efforts we will hit bumps. Some bumps are no big deal, we hit them, recognize them and then they get solved.

Other times things happen and you are upset by it, but for some reason you feel you shouldn't bring it up. There are many reasons for that, you don't want to upset the other person, you are embarrassed, or even you are afraid.

What can happen with issues like that is instead of getting solved they keep growing and growing until we feel they are unmanageable. And by the time issues get to that size, we have created more of a problem than if we had been upfront right at the beginning. Allowing your fear or anger to build up can make you defensive and when eventually it explodes out of you, the chances of getting it solved in a civilized manner are pretty much out the window. And to top it off, we expect our partners, business associations, etc. to figure it out on their own.

We may have dropped subtle hints that such and such bothers us, but just because we think we are giving decent clues about the issue, not every one is a PI and can figure it out.

So, the moment something comes up that makes you mad or sad or just rubs you the wrong way, say something. At that time you will both be much more cool headed and the chances of it exploding are minimal.

I like to go over in my head what I want to say. I say it several different ways to figure out what is the least confrontational way to say it. "You" statements are usually not a good way to start - You did such and such. I like "I" statements like I do not like such and such. When you use "You" statements the other person usually go straight into a defensive mode and everything goes downhill from there.

So when an issue comes up confront it right away, but think first about a good way to put the statement forward, then calmly approach the other person and ask if you could talk with them a minute.

No matter how much people wish they could, they cannot read minds. They can and will read expressions and actions and will probably be able to tell that you are upset about something. But it doesn't tell them what and until they know the what, it won't get solved.

So as I said earlier - I can't fix it until you tell me what it is.
Good relationships, I feel, do this often. They may even set aside a time and place to air grievances. In the beginning it may have to be a weekly thing, but as each of you grow with the relationship and respect the other person then issues that could become bombs are detonated long before explosion. And as you learn each other, the issues will become fewer and arguments come less and less. We all have enough stress in our days, we all need to be able to turn to our partner, or a friend, for stress relief. But if there are bad feelings floating about that relationship, then you won't feel comfortable going to them for comfort.

So for your and their mental health, take a minute and discuss your issues. And remember to always argue fairly. And the most important rule here - Listen, then you won't have to be a mind reader.