Relationships

I was being a sounding board for a friend today. Believe me I know we all need them. And she has been mine many a time. Today it was about her relationship. Of course that got me to thinking, why are relationships so hard?

You'd think that when two people love each other that would cover the bases and you'd be on your way to the 'happily ever after'. But every person in a relationship knows that isn't true. I told my girlfriend if I knew the answer to this age old question I'd be a zillionaire many times over.

Relationships mean different things to different people. And every magazine and publication I know of has written about this subject. You'd think that with so much input someone would have come up with an instruction manual. You meet a person and when you both feel like this could evolve into a relationship there is a place you have to go to and either go through classes or at least are given this manual. No such luck.

When I married my first husband, he was Catholic and I converted. We attended a class called Pre-Cana. Named after the wedding where Jesus turned water into wine. Maybe that is a clue - to make it through relationships and marriages wine is necessary? Just a thought.

I don't rememeber much from the class, it was in 1980, but one thing I did remember and take to heart was the fact that you can't take words back. So be careful what you say. I'm sorry may make you feel better, but it doesn't take the hurtful and cruel words away. But I'm getting off track here.

What is it that makes a relationship work? Everyone says trust and love and respect. But that is far from enough. There are so many intangibles in relationships that can't be put down into words. People get so thoughtless of others that they forget they have a partner. They go into Primary Survival mode. Meaning, I need to take care of myself to make it through this life.

A lot of people will say this isn't right, how can a relationship work if all we think about is ourselves. I am not advocating just thinking of oneself, and it may be cliche but it is true, you can't love someone else until you love yourself and are content with who you are.

I am living with that now. My boyfriend isn't happy with himself, he says he is. But come on, after 7 years, I know the man. I also know there is nothing I can do to make it all right for him only he can do that for himself. That is why I have taken up self-empowerment for myself. I can't fix or heal or make it alright for him, but I can for myself. And in doing so, and him seeing the positive changes in me, maybe he'll think about doing it for himself. Plus, and this is a big plus, the frustration of not being able to 'fix' him is gone. A huge weight off my shoulders. I have accepted that I cannot do it for him and that has given me peace.

One of those you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink deals. Hopefully, when he and others see what wonderful progress I am making, and I am, they might want to take that drink along with me.

I find I am sleeping better and have a sunnier outlook. That I am more prone to slowing down and seeing what is around me, and appreciating it. And sometimes that even includes my boyfriend. I have found that by being aware of the fact that he has his own issues and it is not up to me to fix them I can back off of him and look at him a bit differently and appreicate his good days and make it through his bad days.

In the long run, the only one we are truly responsible for is ourselves. What we make of our lives, how we live our lives, the joy and happiness we bring to ourselves, then show to those around us. If we are happy with ourselves, I really believe that our relationships will flourish and be what a good relationship should be.