Issues and Consistency

Sometimes so much easier said than done. Why is it the important things in life are sometimes the hardest to achieve? My standard answer to that is because what is hard fought for is often more appreciated. I understand that, but why must some of the most fundamental things be fought for? If we have the love of someone, and we know we do, is it appropriate of us to expect, on a consistent basis, some wonderful sign of that love?

Hence lies my dilemma. I have been working so hard with myself, learning to appreciate who I am and what I can do. I can see an improvement in myself most everyday. I do love myself. I am, usually most happy with myself. But I am not the only one in my world.

If I were single that would be all and good. But when you have a partner in this world and you love that partner and you know they love you and during this relationship issues pop up. And they always will. I think the strength of the relationship and the willingness of the people in the relationship to support each other is paramount.

But what if there is no support, what if only one person is willing to work toward a more positive and fulfilling relationship? That is a horrible, horrible feeling. When one person has been putting their all in the relationship and getting nothing back, then that person starts to retreat too. And in no way whatsoever does that help. But it is a self-defense measure. Self-preservation is important. That is when we take a step back and regroup, look to the strength and peace within ourselves.

This taking a step back will allow the other person their space. You have to give them a chance to do what they are going to do. You can't bring it up everyday, you can't nag and harp on it all the time. That does nothing for neither of you.

But then again, neither can you ignore it forever. Say, one day you tell your significant other these are my issues. And a huge fight ensues. Days go by and as each day goes by the ice thaws until you are talking again, even laughing together. But nothing has really changed. So you gather your strength and peace to yourself and you march on. Then after some time passes - and here is the question of the ages - do you try again?

I say yes. I do understand that if you love someone you have to love their shortcomings too. Maybe in this case they are being hard headed and stubborn. So, after a bit of time has passed you put forth the issues again. I prefer email. Emotion can be felt from the email, but since you aren't right there, the other person's emotions can be whatever they are going to be, without you there for the fallout.

For me, with an email I can read and reread it until I get over my initial anger and hurt feelings and then read it for what it is. A loving message from someone who loves me, that wants nothing more than to improve our life together. A message from someone who will risk being even more hurt. Because each time an issue is brought up and ignored, the pain gets worse each time it is ignored. Until the pain is almost unbearable. But you have to realize that someone who is willing to jump into the fire of that hurt on the chance that this time, it will make a difference, you have to finally realize that person has unconditional and deep love for you.

Relationships are two way streets. Each of you have to be willing to give and take. It cannot be just take, take, take. It will not work that way.

Right now I am hurt and scared and am having a very hard time reaching out, physically, to the man I love. I can reach out to him verbally, through email, but it is really hard to reach out and touch him. It is even hard to look him in the eye because of my hurt and anger. I do go through times where I try and convince myself that what he is doing is enough, but then the fountain overflows and I know it isn't enough. I am starving for affection. I eagerly await a pat on the head and a rub on the belly - which in human terms works out to be going out to nice dinner and pray that there will be more and different actions that will show and tell me what I need to hear and those words and actions will continue on a regular basis. Its like craving chocolate and eating a double devil chocolate cake and oh how wonderful it is. But that doesn't last forever, before too long you are craving that chocolate cake again. And instead of just getting up and going into the kitchen where it is always available, you have to fight all over again for it.

Maybe this is a bit much for a blog, but not all days are sunshine and roses. Today being one of those days.

I am at a loss, I am in love with a wonderful man. I know he is, he's shown me so many times in the past for spurts at a time. Is asking him to sustain it asking too much? Consistency is a very important feature in just about every aspect of life, specially in relationships.